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The Red Green Show
When In London
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”
“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy.”Mixed Medications by Bill Wandel
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- I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. (Bob Hope)
Telephone Repair Service
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.- Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. (Harry S. Truman)
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Key Largo Florida
The Jules Undersea Lodge is an underwater hotel in Key Largo, Florida and is the only such hotel in the United States. It is 30 feet (9 m) deep on the ocean floor and guests have to scuba dive to get to their rooms.The Police Recruit
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup."Website Design & Promotion Services
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Avoid people who talk to themselves. According to Ukrainian legend, that could indicate a dual soul and the second one doesn't die! Also watch out for the seventh son of a seventh son, a person born with a red caul (amniotic membrane covering the head), or a child born with teeth. A vampire can result if a cat or dog walks over a fresh grave, a bat flies over the corpse, or the person has died suddenly as a result of suicide or murder. Unfinished business can also cause a body to rise, as can inadequate burial rites, including a grave that is too shallow.The Generous Attorney
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Verse of the Day
Art & Culture
After studying it for 47 days, the New York Museum of Modern Art discovered that the Matisse painting Le Bateau was hanging upside down.